Blessing and a Bridge – Loving Those Who Have Left Our Church
“We shall act with good intentions, but at times we will be wrong. When we are, let us admit it and try to right the situation.”- Joe Paterno
When Jesus said, “go and make disciples” He was commanding His disciples to invest in a world that needed to be taught and empowered to live the abundant life Christ offered. Below I want to address two issues that start with good intentions, making disciples and sending them out to impact the world, but I question if our actions match our intentions.
Hear me out.
First, we have churches operating like well-oiled machines that guide people from identifying as a visitor to becoming a full-blown member and active volunteer. The process may take weeks, months, or years. There is a drive to add more to the congregational family that spurs creativity within the staff and ministerial volunteers, intentionally constructing exciting events and programs to create relationships.
From my experience, places where I have served or worshipped have poignant wording on walls and pamphlets that encourage its members to join the divine mission to “go and make disciples.” These are the same churches that truly desire to send people to start churches, ministries, or faithfully answer a divine call by God to further His kingdom to a certain population. To simplify, many churches are great at wooing newcomers, getting people’s attention, bringing people in. They have great intentions to invest in people, selflessly desiring to one day send a person out for the work of the ministry with a blessing and establish a relational bridge to reconnect if they should ever need support in the future.
Herein lies the first issue I wish to point out: how often do churches actually send people out? Weekly, yearly… never?
If this process occurs at your church, I am begging that you write a book so I can glean from your wisdom! Once again in my experience, rarely have I seen someone sent out with a blessing and a bridge other than a visiting missionary or exiting staff member.
What’s the problem?
Pastor, ministry leader, the problem is multi-layered. One layer begs the question, are we genuinely being intentional in sending people out? Is our energy mainly going towards wooing people, while little energy is going towards providing our congregants tools for the work of the ministry? Are our congregants wholly dependent upon a “professional” to share the word of God, counsel, or even pray over a meal? Another layer may involve a painful separation. Most of the people leaving our churches are doing so from places of conflict, without a blessing and with charred bridges.
People leave for so many reasons, from real convictions (i.e., doctrinal, practical, philosophical) to surface issues (not being greeted, the temperature, the stage is painted black). I wonder what would happen if the leadership in our churches pursued those that have left without anyone noticing? What would happen if we intentionally and strategically pursued those that left as passionately as we pursue newcomers?
And this is the crux of the second issue; if our church culture promotes family values and relationships, then seeking those that left should seem easier than reaching new attenders, especially for those who have attended faithfully for years. Why don’t we? It may be that we take their departure personally, as a jab to our pride. We may be hurt that they wouldn’t say goodbye before leaving. Maybe they left on bad terms? Even if so, we need to be the first to extend forgiveness and grace and continue our role as peacemakers. Our role as shepherds and leaders is to help these people learn how to forgive, learn how to engage in healthy conflict, and how to heal properly. I know I am preaching to the choir when I write, loving imperfect people is hard and not pretty, yet those are the people that God passionately pursues every single day.
I know there are some leaders who want to avoid conflict at all costs, and the thought of calling a possibly disgruntled congregant is the last thing they would want to do; because they might be fearful that they are the source of the person’s complaints. It would be foolish if we feared the notion that we are not perfect! Maybe there is validity to the complaints. Maybe we did cause hurt unintentionally. Maybe we did do something that wasn’t God-honoring. If we reach out and humbly listen to criticism, we can grow from it and avoid causing further harm to others unintentionally. The cause of pain could also be something completely different, and you reaching out could be a reminder that God is still there for them and still cares for them.
What did Jesus do?
In John 20, Jesus had just revealed that He had risen from the grave! The disciples were ecstatic, but I couldn’t help but imagine Peter in the corner with a forced smile, arms crossed, feeling full of shame for denying Jesus three times. In John 21, Peter leaves to go fishing. He isn’t out and about telling people the report of witnessing the empty grave (John 20:6) or the stories of Mary, Thomas, or any of the other disciples. Peter went back to his old way of life, fishing. Jesus didn’t wait for Peter to come back to get a blessing and to be sent out but pursued him. Jesus didn’t avoid the awkward conversation but sought to reconcile and ultimately commission Peter to the work He had reserved for him.
What if we did the same as leaders? Not only be aggressive and passionate for the unbelievers and newcomers but live out that same passion for a congregant who has attended for years and left? What would happen if we weren’t content with knowing someone left unexpectantly? Our love and reach should extend past our comfort and pride.
As leaders, let our well-meaning intentions lead us to action beyond extending an invitation to newcomers to actually sending people out with a blessing and a bridge. And when conflict arises, let us do the hard work of restoring our relationship with the lost sheep, just as Jesus exemplified.